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Rachel

~ following the white rabbit…

Rachel

Monthly Archives: September 2014

I dreamed I was dead

27 Saturday Sep 2014

Posted by Rachel in death, dreams, reality, spirituality

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Tags

death, dreams, reality, spirituality

It was so vivid and believable that it stayed with me for days and forced me to question the nature of reality; not for the first time, but for the strongest and most frightening and potentially disabling.

I thought we had died in a car crash on the A47. A bit of me thought we might still be half alive but very badly injured and for a while I half tried or thought about whether or not I should, or could, get back. Even if I could, would I want to? The pain, the long journey of rehabilitation. Then I thought, well, you probably can’t choose anyway. Then I felt bad for not trying harder, for my son. I thought about him just about to start art school, how awful, but then I saw everyone wrapping around him, friends, the teachers, fellow students, and I thought, he would be okay, it would become part of his biography when they describe him as an artist.

What do the dead people do? Just live on in the world with the alive people, pretending to be alive, or do they move into another universe that looks the same, where they carry on just as if they were alive, seeing their children growing up, even though they weren’t real. Eating and drinking and going to the toilet even though they don’t need to be doing any of that, going to the supermarket, all the things we do, when none of it is real, it’s just made up to pass the time. Are the dead people held there, trying to learn, to see what they would have done, like in Deal or no Deal when they play on even after it is over? But why would we be given a fake world to live in, what would be the point?

After a few days I came to the conclusion that I had just experienced a glimpse of reality-as-created-by-us: our thoughts and actions. Whether or not it is real it is the only one I am in. Whether or not I should be in another one, was in another one, left it, died, whatever, right now I am here. Whatever we are in must be treated as real; it is our thoughts and actions and spirituality that are being practised, tested and developed.

Recalibration

27 Saturday Sep 2014

Posted by Rachel in happiness, mental health, therapy

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happiness, mental health, therapy

I like to be stopped sometimes and when I restart I start again with a clean slate, or the feeling of a clean slate. Old habits, worries, beliefs that bother me, all gone, for a little while anyway. Used as a springboard, changes can be made that carry forward even as normal life resumes.

My son came round and I was able to let him talk about the past: painful memories, but talking about them didn’t make it any worse.

My mother in law asked me about my schooldays. She had to invite me a couple of times then ask me explicitly, but for the first time in years I dragged myself back there and came up with some reasonable answers. Again, it didn’t make it any worse. And it let her know me a little more.

As I said, I like being stopped.

Oh, I know we are occupational beings. I know it’s not good physically to lie on the sofa for three days and not swim for a week, but mentally and psychologically it has its benefits. It recalibrated me. Like the defibrillator shocking an erratic and dysfunctional beating heart back into a healthy rhythm, this is what enforced stopping does for me. Weekends are not long enough, not intense enough and still part of a routine to an extent. The pause button needs pressing on all of life: the working week, weekends, exercise, leisure, writing, the lot.

ENJOY! That’s what my mantra should be. Rather than my rather earnest: awake, authentic, calm and centred. Whenever I go anywhere I look in estate agent windows and fantasise about living there. But I can live there; I can live anywhere, for a few days at a time. It’s all living.

Dream analysis for beginners

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Rachel in Uncategorized

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Dream analysis, healing, Mick Collins, The Unconscious, The Unselfish Spirit, Wicca

Pretty much every night I have loads of dreams and yet I have never before seriously considered analysing them. I have done the looking outwards, seeing signs and cues, feeling at one with The Universe and so on, and to be honest, I thought I was kind of done. I didn’t realise that there was a whole other world to explore. I didn’t really understand about working with The Unconscious and I still don’t, but I have been reading a book* that talks about these things.

When I got into Wicca, I found out my friend was into it too, and we compared notes. She read over twenty books and made copious, beautifully written notes, studying thoroughly and buying proper ingredients before casting her first spell. I read a couple of books and jumped straight in, making spells by loosely following what was in the book, adapting according to whatever I had in the house, and writing my own words.

So whilst I’m respectful of all the literature, theories and teachings of others, at the same time I believe in a just- have- a- go DIY approach, trusting my own intuitions and responses.

I’m having a go at dream analysis, not the concrete, dream dictionary kind- if you dream of a white horse it means that the next period of life will be sinless and positive (I almost wish I had dreamed of a white horse now!). I’m just letting the meaning rise to the surface, letting it work, letting the knowledge sink in. The book I am reading said that it is up to the person having the experience to interpret it. In terms of finding the message, making sense of it, it’s the same kind of ‘knowing’ as ‘knowing’ what to do in healing.

I’ve ignored my husband’s advice this time- he suggested I write my dreams down on a pad kept by the bed the moment I wake up, but writing it down would mean it was writing, and writing is a different thing altogether. So I just think about it, them, as I’m dressing, as I’m driving. Sometimes I talk them through with my husband. Later, once I have let the meaning come, I write it down on whatever scrap of paper I have with me. I don’t even mind if I don’t remember all of my dreams, I am just trusting that the ones I do remember are the ones I need, or will suffice.

I dreamed about doing something on a computer, some kind of document with lots of different tabs, keys or sections. I kept looking at them but each time I did it I knew I was doing it in a way that was longer in the long run. As I looked at all the tabs I had to open and close them all individually, when I knew there must be a way of doing them all together. I knew there must be a better way, a way to do it all at once but I didn’t want to stop and go and find someone to teach me another way. Even though my way wasn’t as good, I would rather do it that way just because I knew it and because of my aversion to being taught new things. I don’t mind learning about new things but I don’t much like the experience of asking for help and being taught something new, especially in public. I also don’t like stopping. Pausing, realising my way might not be the best way, asking for and accepting help. These are the things I find difficult.

My lesson: be aware the next time I feel I’m doing something in a familiar but could- be- better way. Even stopping reading when I would usually carry on until I am stiff and desperate to move, hungry or thirsty, getting out of bed, going downstairs, finding my notebook, writing this, was a start, as opposed to just carrying on reading in bed and ignoring the message of the dream. How do I know it was the message? It leapt out at me, even while I was reading, it just sort of surfaced. I could have got distracted by the detail of the dream, the words or tabs or what the tabs were about; but what stood out was me: endlessly repeating a lame way of doing things because I was too stubborn or impatient to stop and ask someone to show me a better way.

I agree with those who might say, well, you could have taken any meaning you liked from that dream. It’s true, you can take any meaning from anything, depending on what you see and what you’re looking for. That’s possible for your job, your garden, your drive into town, let alone something as potentially strange and unusual as your dreams.

*The Unselfish Spirit by Mick Collins

Dream analysis for beginners

09 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by Rachel in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Dream analysis, Mick Collins, The Unconscious, The Unselfish Spirit, Wicca

Pretty much every night I have loads of dreams and yet I have never before seriously considered analysing them. I have done the looking outwards, seeing signs and cues, feeling at one with The Universe and so on, and to be honest, I thought I was kind of done. I didn’t realise that there was a whole other world to explore. I didn’t really understand about working with The Unconscious and I still don’t, but I have been reading a book* that talks about these things.

When I got into Wicca, I found out my friend was into it to, and we compared notes. She read over twenty books and made copious, beautifully written notes, studying thoroughly and buying proper ingredients before casting her first spell. I read a couple of books and jumped straight in, making spells by loosely following what was in the book, adapting according to whatever I had in the house, and writing my own words.

So whilst I’m respectful of all the literature, theories and teachings of others, at the same time I believe in a just- have- a- go DIY approach, trusting my own intuitions and responses.

I’m having a go at dream analysis, not the concrete, dream dictionary kind- if you dream of a white horse it means that the next period of life will be sinless and positive (I almost wish I had dreamed of a white horse now!). I’m just letting the meaning rise to the surface, letting it work, letting the knowledge sink in. The book I am reading said that it is up to the person having the experience to interpret it. In terms of finding the message, making sense of it, it’s the same kind of ‘knowing’ as ‘knowing’ what to do in healing.

I’ve ignored my husband’s advice this time- he suggested I write my dreams down on a pad kept by the bed the moment I wake up, but writing it down would mean it was writing, and writing is a different thing altogether. So I just think about it, them, as I’m dressing, as I’m driving. Sometimes I talk them through with my husband. Later, once I have let the meaning come, I write it down on whatever scrap of paper I have with me. I don’t even mind if I don’t remember all of my dreams, I am just trusting that the ones I do remember are the ones I need, or will suffice.

I dreamed about doing something on a computer, some kind of document with lots of different tabs, keys or sections. I kept looking at them but each time I did it I knew I was doing it in a way that was longer in the long run. As I looked at all the tabs I had to open and close them all individually, when I knew there must be a way of doing them all together. I knew there must be a better way, a way to do it all at once but I didn’t want to stop and go and find someone to teach me another way. Even though my way wasn’t as good, I would rather do it that way just because I knew it and because of my aversion to being taught new things. I don’t mind learning about new things but I don’t much like the experience of asking for help and being taught something new, especially in public. I also don’t like stopping. Pausing, realising my way might not be the best way, asking for and accepting help. These are the things I find difficult.

My lesson: be aware the next time I feel I’m doing something in a familiar but could- be- better way. Even stopping reading when I would usually carry on until I am stiff and desperate to move, hungry or thirsty, getting out of bed, going downstairs, finding my notebook, writing this, was a start, as opposed to just carrying on reading in bed and ignoring the message of the dream. How do I know it was the message? It leapt out at me, even while I was reading, it just sort of surfaced. I could have got distracted by the detail of the dream, the words or tabs or what the tabs were about; but what stood out was me: endlessly repeating a lame way of doing things because I was too stubborn or impatient to stop and ask someone to show me a better way.

I agree with those who might say, well, you could have taken any meaning you liked from that dream. It’s true, you can take any meaning from anything, depending on what you see and what you’re looking for. That’s possible for your job, your garden, your drive into town, let alone something as potentially strange and unusual as your dreams.

*The Unselfish Spirit by Mick Collins

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