I was a young single mother and my son had a serious bowel disease and lots of very unpleasant doctor and hospital treatment as a toddler and child. When he became a teenager he refused all treatment. He also started refusing to go to school which caused problems with school and social services. Bad times.
I had a few bad incidents at school as a child which I shall try and include in my book and blog in the cause of letting go of shame.
This blog refers to a few days of hedonism at home with my husband.
And now, I move every week or so….
Recalibration (first published September 2014)
I like to be stopped sometimes and when I restart I start again with a clean slate, or the feeling of a clean slate. Old habits, worries, beliefs that bother me, all gone, for a little while anyway. Used as a springboard, changes can be made that carry forward even as normal life resumes.
My son came round and I was able to let him talk about the past: painful memories, but talking about them didn’t make it any worse.
My mother in law asked me about my schooldays. She had to invite me a couple of times then ask me explicitly, but for the first time in years I dragged myself back there and came up with some reasonable answers. Again, it didn’t make it any worse. And it let her know me a little more.
As I said, I like being stopped.
Oh, I know we are occupational beings. I know it’s not good physically to lie on the sofa for three days and not swim for a week, but mentally and psychologically it has its benefits. It recalibrated me. Like the defibrillator shocking an erratic and dysfunctional beating heart back into a healthy rhythm, this is what enforced stopping does for me. Weekends are not long enough, not intense enough and still part of a routine to an extent. The pause button needs pressing on all of life: the working week, weekends, exercise, leisure, writing, the lot.
ENJOY! That’s what my mantra should be. Rather than my rather earnest: awake, authentic, calm and centred. Whenever I go anywhere I look in estate agent windows and fantasise about living there. But I can live there; I can live anywhere, for a few days at a time. It’s all living.