I was a young single mother and my son had a serious bowel disease and  lots of very unpleasant doctor and hospital treatment as a toddler and child.  When he became a teenager he refused all treatment.  He also started refusing to go to school which caused problems with school and social services.  Bad times.

I had a few bad incidents at school as a child which I shall try and include in my book and blog in the cause of letting go of shame. 

This blog refers to a few days of hedonism at home with my husband. 

And now, I move every week or so….

Recalibration (first published September 2014)

I like to be stopped sometimes and when I restart I start again with a clean slate, or the feeling of a clean slate.  Old habits, worries, beliefs that bother me, all gone, for a little while anyway.  Used as a springboard, changes can be made that carry forward even as normal life resumes.

My son came round and I was able to let him talk about the past: painful memories, but talking about them didn’t make it any worse.

My mother in law asked me about my schooldays.  She had to invite me a couple of times then ask me explicitly, but for the first time in years I dragged myself back there and came up with some reasonable answers.  Again, it didn’t make it any worse.  And it let her know me a little more.

As I said, I like being stopped.

Oh, I know we are occupational beings.  I know it’s not good physically to lie on the sofa for three days and not swim for a week, but mentally and psychologically it has its benefits.  It recalibrated me.  Like the defibrillator shocking an erratic and dysfunctional beating heart back into a healthy rhythm, this is what enforced stopping does for me.  Weekends are not long enough, not intense enough and still part of a routine to an extent.  The pause button needs pressing on all of life: the working week, weekends, exercise, leisure, writing, the lot.

ENJOY!  That’s what my mantra should be.  Rather than my rather earnest: awake, authentic, calm and centred.  Whenever I go anywhere I look in estate agent windows and fantasise about living there.  But I can live there; I can live anywhere, for a few days at a time.  It’s all living.